5 Ways to Strengthen Marriages in Your Church
…whether You Have a Marriage Ministry or Not
Our churches do a lot to support marriages. We prepare couples for their big day, walk alongside them through difficult seasons, and offer pastoral care when relationships are struggling.
In our work as relationship coaches, we often meet couples once things have already become difficult. It has made us wonder what we could do further upstream:
“How can we help couples invest in their marriages while there is still plenty that is good to build on?”
Research suggests that practical relationship skills and tools can strengthen communication and relationship quality. So how can we support marriages not only when difficulties arise but throughout the ordinary years of married life?
Many churches already do this through teaching, courses, conferences or dedicated marriage ministries. For others, adding another programme simply may not be realistic. Whatever the size, resources or current approach of our churches, those of us who help shape church life can contribute to a culture in which investing in marriage is normal. Often, it may simply mean building on what is already working – and identifying one small next step.
Here are five areas worth exploring.
1. Notice how we talk about marriage
Culture is shaped by the little things we say as much as by what we formally teach. In Ephesians 4:29, Paul encourages his readers to use their words in ways that build others up. The way we speak about marriage can do that too.
Humour, for example, can build connection and help us look at the realities of married life with a pinch of salt. But it can also quietly tear down.
What messages about marriage do people hear in our conversations, sermons, small groups and church events? For those of us who are married, do we speak about our spouses with appreciation and respect? And for those who are not married, how do we talk about marriage as a concept? Where might the language of the wider culture have crept in – jokes about the wife who constantly complains, the husband who shuts down and retreats to his “man cave”, or marriage as the end of freedom?
This isn’t about presenting marriage as perfect. There needs to be space for honesty about its challenges too. Honesty and honour can sit alongside each other.
Where is this already happening well in our church? And where might we bring a little more warmth, appreciation and respect into the way we speak about marriage?
2. Invest in your own marriage
If you are married yourself, one of the most immediate places to influence the marriage culture in your church is your own relationship.
We know how easily this can get squeezed. As a couple we spent years working in church ministry together, and today we work specifically with couples. And still, our own marriage can easily take a back seat. There is always another person to care for, another task to finish, another important thing that needs doing.
Ministry can bring particular pressures for couples, from demanding schedules and blurred boundaries between work and home to expectations from others. Long-term studies with clergy have found links between occupational distress and lower marital satisfaction.
Investing in our marriages can be surprisingly ordinary: protecting time together, enjoying one another, staying interested in our spouse’s world, and cultivating friendship, affection and curiosity.
Our marriages matter in their own right, and when we care well for our closest relationships, we are often better resourced to care for others too.
People also notice what their leaders make room for. When couples see leaders protecting time with their spouse and investing in their relationship, it quietly gives them permission to do the same.
We don’t need to model perfect marriages. Perhaps what we can model is something much more attainable: a marriage worth investing in.
3. Be honest about hard seasons
Even strong marriages can go through seasons of stress, disconnection and difficulty.
For Christian leaders who are married, there can be an additional pressure: the sense that our marriage should set an example. Studies with clergy families suggest that expectations of a “model marriage” can make it harder to be open when things are difficult.
We hear echoes of this in our work with Christian couples.
Sometimes people tell us that everyone else at church seemed to be doing fine, so they kept their own struggles quiet.
Appropriate honesty from leaders can help challenge that impression. This doesn’t mean sharing everything. We can be open about our experiences while being thoughtful about what belongs to our spouse and what is better kept private. Simply acknowledging that we have been through a difficult season, had to work at something, sought support or overcome a challenge can be enough.
Strong marriages are not marriages that never struggle. Allowing people to see that difficulties can be faced and overcome can offer both honesty and hope.
4. Put healthy relationships on the agenda
We can have a clear vision of what marriage means and still need help with the everyday reality of living it. How do we listen when we’re tired, stay curious about someone we know so well, navigate conflict, repair after hurt, forgive and keep friendship alive over many years?
These aren’t simply modern relationship skills. How we listen, speak, forgive, show compassion and respond to one another is deeply connected with Christian formation. Scripture has much to say about being quick to listen, speaking in ways that build others up, bearing with one another, kindness, forgiveness and love.
We can look to Jesus too. The way he encounters people shows us something profound about love: attention, questions, compassion, truth and grace. Following Jesus shapes how we relate to others – including the person with whom we share our life most closely.
This doesn’t require a new programme. These themes can find their way naturally into sermons, small groups, pastoral conversations, marriage preparation or occasional church events.
Alongside teaching what Christians believe about marriage, we can help couples grow in how they live that marriage day by day.
5. Normalise growing together
Investing in marriage doesn’t have to mean that something is wrong. We routinely invest time in things that matter to us – our health, our friendships and our faith. Why should our marriages be different?
Creating opportunities for couples doesn’t necessarily require a lot of capacity. It might mean encouraging a date night, sharing a helpful resource, running a ready-made challenge, inviting someone in for a workshop, or pointing couples towards a course or conference. Churches with more capacity might run something more substantial, such as The Marriage Course, or develop an ongoing marriage ministry.
Doing something together as a church communicates something too. Couples realise that they aren’t the only ones intentionally investing in their marriage. They see others doing the same, and they hear from their leaders that this is worth making time for.
Over time, marriage investment can become less associated with having a problem and simply become part of church culture: we invest in our marriage because it matters.
Five Questions for Pastors and Church Leaders
- What picture of marriage would someone form from listening to the way we talk about it in our church?
- If we are married ourselves, does the way we prioritise our own marriage communicate that it is worth investing in?
- Would couples in our church feel able to say, “We’re finding things difficult” – and know where they could find support?
- Where are couples in our church learning how to listen, handle conflict, repair, forgive and relate well?
- What is one realistic opportunity we could give couples this year simply to help their marriages grow?
You don’t have to do everything
Strengthening marriages doesn’t have to mean building a whole new ministry. It can begin with the culture we create: how we talk about marriage, what we model, how we respond to difficult seasons, what we teach and the opportunities we give couples to invest.
Churches don’t have to do all of this alone. This is exactly why we created RelationWise Ministries. We want to make it easier for churches to invest proactively in marriages without creating lots of additional work for already busy leaders.
We provide ready-to-run resources and experiences to share with couples or offer across the church, workshops and events that we come and deliver, and relationship coaching when couples would benefit from more focused support. Our aim is to come alongside the good work churches are already doing, helping create a pathway from ongoing growth, to early support, to specialist help when needed.
Perhaps the first question isn’t, “Do we have a marriage ministry?”
Perhaps it is: “Are we creating a culture in which caring for our marriages is normal?”
Want an easy place to start?
A Week for Us is our free seven-day experience for Christian couples, with around 10 minutes a day to pause, connect and invest in their marriage.
Check it out for yourselves. If you like it, share it with couples in your church – or run A Week for Us across your church for free.